Attaining vs Becoming: A Reflection on My Physics Journey
“Live the Life of Your Dreams: Be brave enough to live the life of your dreams according to your vision and purpose instead of the expectations and opinions of others.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
I consider myself to be a very intense person. Just a few years ago, I was pulling 50 hour study weeks grinding out college physics textbooks and their problems. And along with that, I was starting up my own poker club, physics club, and training my science bowl team (which placed top 32 in the nation earlier this year).
But such work at that pace often comes at a price. In particular, I’d often find myself waking up and feeling a slight drudgery. A weird cold feeling that was lazy and made me want to just go back to bed or just watch low quality youtube videos.
But I almost always pushed through it. I knew that I had goals and standards I wanted to achieve, and I knew that missing one day could be the start of a string of excuses to miss even more. I raised my standards for myself and relentlessly went through the cycle of studying for physics, ultimately becoming one of the top physics students in the nation.
I look back fondly on those days, and I love to rave about the grind and my devotion to pursuing something that I truly found really interesting.
As I’m reflecting on this, though, I’d like to shine light on two primary aspects: parts that I think were beneficial and should continue with me and parts that I think are better changed.
What Made Me Successful?
1. Real Devotion/Obsession
You have to be obsessed with something to be the best at it. I was thinking about these physics problems everywhere I went—in bed, at the dinner table (sorry Mom), and in the shower. When left to myself, I’d talk myself through the problem, trace back my steps, and look at things through different perspectives. When even that didn’t work, I’d let the toil of the night lull me back to bed, allowing my subconscious to tackle the same problem.
2. Personal Philosophy
I believe that everyone should have their own philosophy when it comes to their work. It means that you would have your own set of unyielding principles, which, when followed, almost always take you down a path that aligns well with your values. I had mine, which I will explore in a later blog. Basically, look at this quote:
“The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever.”
― Chazz Palminteri, A Bronx Tale: The Original One Man Show
What Could I Have Done Better?
1. Be Less Hard on Myself
Maybe I did love physics, and I did have a real passion for it. But the truth is that, even with a passion for physics, I was ultimately still a human being. My discipline and relentless “No Off-Days” attitude meant that I often worked long hours without truly learning much—or learning slowly and inefficiently.
My exceptionally strong self-will meant that I could make myself do things I didn’t feel like doing, but I had an unrealistic view of what it meant to improve at physics. Improvement doesn’t mean eating, living, and breathing physics 24/7—I needed to allow myself rest and time to return to my natural state.
2. Diversify More
Discipline and self-control in a single area often comes at a cost.
It hindered my learning (it’s hard to learn when there’s a raging internal battle in your subconscious) and made me narrower as an individual. By the time I graduated high school, the only books I had read were:
- An Introduction to Classical Mechanics
- Problems and Solutions in Introductory Mechanics
- Physics (by HRK)
- 200 Puzzling Problems in Physics
3. Have a Less Polarizing View on Success
That’s why I studied physics with the fervor I did. Partly because I found physics problems fascinating, but also because I saw these competitions as my gateway to success. I felt that if I didn’t do well, I’d be defined by them.
I believed that titles—or the lack thereof—would determine my worth in a society that consistently emphasizes choosing the “best of the best” while sidelining everyone considered “mediocre.”
What Am I Doing Now?
Ask nature: she will tell you that she made both day and night - Letters of a Stoic
The dangerous part of being entirely determined by self-will is that it will make one extremely jaded. Self-will imposed on predetermined logic rarely bends towards the realizations of reality.
As a freshman at Purdue now, I am letting go of the iron-steel grip of self-will and discipline that I had before. I find myself going to bed as late as 4AM, playing ping pong towards the late nights, and going bouldering about twice a week. I also always make time to spend time with people that I like and make conversations with friends or strangers that I find interesting. I find myself having a much more open mind on other issues as well. Some days, I go to dining courts and provide my company to people who are willing to take it. I ask questions, remain curious and others, and never make my assumptions the basis of my understanding.
I’m also a big dreamer these days. I have let go of defining myself according to any one path, which might make me seem lost, but I’m more of an explorer. I learn new things without judgement about my abilities, and accept it when I realize that I am wrong. I stop judging anyone or anything, and instead, simply observe and learn from them. I have now become not a physics grinder, but rather a life-long learner. I don’t need books or the internet to learn new things - I learn them right by myself, observing and noting everyday occurrences around and within me.
So in other words, I’ve sacrificed my intensity and drive for a more mellow, passive explorer. No longer do I mow down a path in the first, but instead explore the fruits, berries, and vines of the messy jungle. And instead of keeping my head down, plowing down the ground, I look up towards the sky to enjoy the beautiful sunset, sunrises, or dancing clouds.
I know that the path I’ve chosen means that it will be slower to reach a goal than if I had emulated my past few years in high school again. But the real question isn’t about how fast or whether or not we’ve attained our gaols.
Instead, the question to ask is this: Is this the right goal for me?
Or even better, the important part isn’t about the goals we set for ourselves. It’s the person that we are becoming. And for that, I have no regrets at all.
…the important part isn’t about the goals we set for ourselves. It’s the person that we are becoming.